In the end it's alright (it's a long one)

So autumn is my favorite time of year, and Halloween falls right dead center. Halloween is a great holiday but I feel like this year we just kind of skipped it. Maybe I need to find real Halloween parties, the costume kind. Maybe I just need to watch a few more Halloweeny movies or eat more Halloween candy. Maybe I don't need to do anything and this year was just a fluke. Regardless, I feel like I missed a huge part of my year for some reason. I haven't trick r' treated in years, I really miss it. Probably the one day that I looked forward to most. That's right, It comes before my birthday and Christmas! Don't get me wrong, I had fun on Halloween night, but I just kind of did something I usually do. Sit around with a bunch of my friends and nerd out with video and card games. I dressed up however! And considering the fact that I only spent a total of an hour on my costume I was very happy with it! I was an 17th century witch hunter!

However, seeing a picture of my costume has lead me to a semi-revelation. I'm gettin pretty fat! This made me think about all of the things I don't do, like work out, or eat healthy. It also made me think about the things I don't really do anymore, like draw, or act, or write (that's right, if you didn't already know I used to occaisonally write stories, never finished any though) or play my viola! This last one bothers me most, especially considering that I've had the urge to play on and off for the last month but I've never pulled it out. Most people would evaluate my life and point the finger at one thing: World of Warcraft. I however, would contest that. I'll admit, it eats a LOT of my time but I blame myself more then the game, mostly because throwing blame on an inanimate object is worthless. I don't even think I should stop playing, but I do think I should play less.

I really need to find some sort of motivation. I recognize what is wrong with my life and where I want it to be, but I can't seem to find a driving force to facilitate the change. Lets bring up a chemistry metaphor. All reactions work in the same way. They have a starting energy, a product energy, and an activation energy. Make a mental graph, it's a hill. To climb up the hill and start the reaction you need your activation energy (my motivation). Once you attain this energy, the reaction proceeds and everything goes as planned. End metaphor! I need some activation energy. I feel like pain would be a good motivator, but I don't know anyone that would motivate me with pain, I know I sure won't. I just can't think of anything else.

On a similar note, I'm very pain intolerant, and I doubt people really realize it. I say this because I notice that people seem to like to cause me physical duress. Most times, I don't mind, but there is a certain barrier I do not like people to cross, and that's head shots. I'd honestly rather get sacked then be hit upside the head, in fact I get very infuriated when anyone causes my general cranial region any amount of pain. Most people reading this probably either already know this or don't hit me upside the head. It takes a large amount of self control for me to NOT viciously attack anyone that hits me upside the head. The worst part about this is that by not attacking, no one notices, and if I say anything they just think of me as being a pansy. It's not so much the case as I just have this violent reactivity to it. Moral of the story, don't hit me in the head, I can't promise I'll always control the impulse to hurt you if you do.

--Warning, I feel like writing a long blog so I'm going to keep going some more--

Here is the "what has chance been up to with his life" portion of my blog, and namely, nothing. Really though, I've been up to sooo much, but it's just all so insubstantial. For instance, I've been raiding pretty heavily in WoW lately, but nobody reading this would care about that. I've been working my cafeworld and my farmville, also more or less useless. I've been talking to friends and relaxing. I've been procrastinating on homework and ending up more often then not, failing to finish it. My Statistics class is suffering, my economics class is also probably suffering, both of these classes have work that I've failed to yet complete and in more then one case is too late to. My chemistry class, is actually going moderately well. My labs are keeping me afloat quite well and my tests are mid range. Mammalogy, same boat. Unfortunately my favorite class this semester ended two weeks ago. I'm pretty confident I did well in that class, most likely B material. The rest of my time not taken up by WoW or class lecture/work is mostly dedicated to eating or attaining the food I'll later eat. It's not a bad life, but it's by no means amazing either.

I miss my friends.. the ones I never see anymore. I hate this feeling that I'm growing apart from some of my once-closest friends. Can't we just stay the same forever? Heh, I'm not sure I'd really like that.

I've got a feeling that, in the end, everything is going to be ok.

Crashed

Well, I guess I was right. I hadn't expected it this soon, but I've collided with my break down. I suppose it feels better now, and I guess a bit of a relief has been given to me. Not that it was ever a real burden, just a worry.. now confirmed.. and now my eyes are puffy, my nose sniffly, my entire face just a little bit itchy. ~sigh~ first time in a while too. I feel bad in a way. I mean hell, I didn't even cry at my grandma's funeral, I actually never really did cry about it. Kind of silly how this would spark it, and sure it wasn't a full blown weep, nose trumpeting, people next door listening in and wondering what could have caused it, but it happened none the less.

It's scary how fast it happened, and it's frighteningly ironic that I was talking about just how unexpected this can be earlier today. I don't even know what to do.. and.. well.. ~sigh~ this sucks.. the worst is this feeling of complete failure, this solid weight telling me "why did you have to let it happen??" Why did I have to let it happen? Admittedly I did what I could, but it still wasn't enough. I don't like this, not at all..

I guess it is what it is though, and I've just got to accept it. I don't want to, but I must, and I will, and I have. I'm so sorry little one. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my promise. I'm sorry I had to let it happen again. I'd like to promise that it won't happen next time, but perhaps I should just promise that there won't even be a next time. perhaps.. this hurts..

Please forgive me...

R.I.P. Zaid

Insomnia? What's that? Lawl

So it's about half way through week four of classes, can't complain on that front. Classes are easy so far, and not that trying, if perhaps occaisonally a bit boring. The apartment is a grand old time. My own room, air conditioning at my will (with only minimal resistance from the other 3), and no real restraints on anything at all. Computer/TV/Music/Sleep as I want it as long as it doesn't interfere with classes. It's really nice.
Down fall.. the walk. It's a good 15-20 minute walk to and from my closest class. It doesn't help that I live at the top of a hill and that campus is also on a rise meaning that (no matter which direction I'm heading) I get to walk downhill for 5 or so minutes and spend the rest of the time drudging up hill. It's not a terrible thing though, it's good for me and I can always take the 5 minute bus ride instead if I feel like leaving a bit earlier to catch it..

There is a problem though.. I just feel sooo tired lately.. and kind of stressed.. but I can't identify any real stressor, not really anyways.

Classes aren't hard or stressful, not in the least. I wake up, get there, stay attentive and learn, or fall asleep and could care less. At the apartment I'm also just fine. I get to relax and do what I need to when i need to, but there's no pressure anywhere for anything.

Sure Zaid is slowly getting sicker and it's costing me more money/effort to try and get him better, but it hasn't really.. well I guess I just don't feel like it's really caused me any real stress.. just a little worry. I'm starting to feel better about it now, he's on a new anti-biotic which has a higher success rate against the bacteria the vet found in him. However, the downside is that I get to administer it orally, which is easier on both me and him, but has a lower success rate.. I just want a healthy pet who doesn't threaten to get worse and die..

I also just felt like I was disconnected with everything today.. it's strange..

I dunno, I feel like I'm just slowly sliding toward something, maybe it's a melt-down or something, I dunno.. i just don't know why..

Ready, steady, go!

Well classes officially started today. I woke up at 7, ate some blueberry muffin tops (thanks for introducing me to such a delicious cereal Jarid =D), packed the backpack, and started walking to campus. I've taken care of all the first day bullshit, all of that syllabus and rules discussion chit chat and such. Found where my classes, so far, are. I even spent 135 bucks on a parking permit for the year. Not bad if you ask me, considering I had to pay 300 something for a permit in the school lot last year.
Started off the day with Mammalogy, the study of mammals and not to be confused with mammology, the study of breasts. I like the professor for this class, had him for Ecology last year. I also share the class with my friend Rick, who although almost more nerdy then I can stand, I'm glad I got a class with him again. After Mammalogy I trecked the vast distance down a flight of stairs and down the hall to my next class, Organic Chemistry. This class I'm a touch worried about. Chem is rather complicated as I'm sure everyone knows, and last year I kind of had to fight to not get a rather low grade. Maybe I'll be fine, we'll see. After that I went off to Biometrics, which is an offshoot of statistics aimed at life. Aka Stats for the Biologist. This is a small class, I mean TINY. There were maybe 8 people in class today. Otherwise I'm not really looking forward to it, math is icky.
After those classes, each about an hour long, I got to walk home, empty the dishwasher and get the sink clear for the first time in probably about a month (only about 3 days that I've had to deal with) and made myself some mac n cheese. Now I'm blogging, watching Wayne's World (sort of) and listening to Passion Pit's "Little Secrets".
I'm in love with this song. I don't actually have it so I've been youtube-ing it and listening to it that way. And I've listened to it a lot. I listened to it probably 4 times before bed last night and I've been listening to it since about 3 or 4 renditions before I started writing this blog. I need to get it so I can throw it on my itunes "favorites" list and mix it in with some other good songs.

And that's my day so far. I still need to go to my night class at 5, which will last to a disgusting 7:45. Hopefully I'll show up there and it'll be cancelled or something. Then I can be a nerd and draft mtg with John at his place! High hopes. I guess I don't mind if I do have to go to class though, I don't really want to pay for a draft.. Well, that's all I got to speak of for now. Until later.

Snakes Stargaze?

So today I went on my first solo vet trip. I took Zaid in to stop him from dying! Yay! Heh, despite that comment, I don't think he was in any immediate danger, though I loathe to make him sit through any pain he was in (if any.. I didn't notice anything that looked like pain). I was checking up on him last night and I noticed he was foaming at the mouth a bit. My first thought, naturally, was rabies. Which kind of frightened me. So I did some research online and found out, much to my relief, that Pythons (or any reptile for that matter) can't contract rabies. I then checked online to see what the foaming might mean. Much to my dismay, it's a symptom of a respiratory infection. Some other symptoms include a popping sound coming from their nose, along with bubbles from said nostrils, general lethargy, and "Stargazing". Now despite the incredibly horror stricken response from the general internet public ("ZOMG STARGAZING! VET! NOW!") I find this term really intriguing. Basically it means that the snake lifts it's head off the ground a bit and points upward, as if it were staring at the ceiling. In other words "stargazing". I feel like this sounds too cool to be a symptom of a potentially fatal disease however.. silly me.

Back to the story. I woke up this morning and noticed that he was indeed stargazing, which made me have a mini panic attack of sorts. So I talked to my parents, we found a vet that works with pythons, and set an appointment.. for 4pm today. Turns out the Vet was in St Paul. So I mowed 3/4ths of the lawn, took a shower, packed Zaid up, and set off on a journey. Traffic was bad in places and I spent the entire trip on what looked like an empty tank of gas, but I made it there just in time and without my car dying! The vet checked him out, confirmed that it is a respiratory infection and prescribed a series of antibiotics. His technician came in and showed me how to administer the injections.. yes injections. Turns out snakes have a low success rate with oral antibiotics because they usually break it down in their stomach before they can absorb it. The whole ordeal took 215 bucks out of my pocket, and the vet, although a nice guy, was kind of annoying. I don't like medical specialists that talk like they're talking to a child, even if it's to an animal. Children being the only exception, you can talk to a child like it's a child. I dunno, it's like "why are you talking like that? He's not going to understand you any better then he already doesn't.." Don't get me wrong, I liked the guy, very professional and confident and whatnot, just not that specific detail. Anyways, now I get to pierce my snake with a needle every day until Wednesday and every other day after that until the medication runs out.

I'm just glad Zaid will be ok

Habitual

How do you fight habits?

I'm curious because I have a few habits that need breaking. Not that I'm specifically asking for advice, it's more that I'm just pondering out loud. I suppose it would be a pain if I mentioned habits worth breaking without naming them. Well.. I'm out of shape, so I need to break the habit of eating too much and eating too unhealthy as well as the habit of lazing around. We just got a trampoline, and I love those things. I find myself getting really worn out after five to ten minutes.. maybe a decent work out? This is one of my bigger concerns, cause I really would like to be a touch slimmer.

Also, I don't want to blow things out of proportion in my thoughts. I tend to dwell on things and make them worse then they are. Whether it's my snake not eating and my thinking I'll find him dead in the cage tomorrow when it's only been a week since he ate or me thinking that because I haven't successfully asked out anyone in a very very long time that I'm always going to be single, I'd prefer to not think that way. Basically I'd rather trade in some pessimism for some optimism.

I guess that's really it now that I think about it..

On another note, it's only two weeks away from move-in day in St. Cloud. Pretty soon now I'll be living in an apartment, more or less on my own! Saturday the 1st I'm going up to get my keys, Sunday the 2nd I'm filling my apartment up with my crap. From that point on it's open invitation for people to come on up and visit! Just let me know if you're interested! =D

Zaid is skittish, and wont eat frozen mice. I did some research tonight and found a couple tips that I'll try and employ over the course of the week to see if I can convince him to eat. Perhaps he isn't hungry, but I kind of doubt that. After all he last ate over a week ago and only had a rather small mouse. Supposedly Ball Pythons are very picky eaters and have been known to fast for as long as 6 months and still be fine. Almost every source I looked up tonight said not to panick when they don't eat, but I can't help it! After how easily Cairo died I feel like Zaid's going to croak tomorrow.. and I do not want that, no sir! He's got to last! Speaking of all these "he's," I really should take him to a vet sometime and find out if he really is a he and not a she. Would be nice to know, supposedly there's no real sure-fire way to find these things out on your own.

To end I thought I'd note that for some reason I've been listening to a lot of songs from the Across The Universe soundtrack and I can't stop. They're stuck in my head and I'm singing along and everything. I liked that movie.

Short Circuit

So there's this flash game I've been trying to find for probably a couple years now that Jarid posted on one of our older forum sites. The game was a very simple game where you had to dodge falling asterisks " * " that moved and reacted to the background music, which is done by Daft Punk. It's a great game and I finally sat down and found it the other day. It's called Short Circuit and it's made by armor games, which has designed a lot of my favorite tower defense games. Give it a try! http://armorgames.com/play/1369/short-circuit

Also, as a response to my last blog (seeing as if anyone is like me, they probably don't look at a specific blog entry after they comment, at least not very often.) the name Zaid is not pronounced "raid" or "Zah-eed". It rhymes with raid but with a Z at the beginning, if that makes sense. As for the comments, I'm seriously considering Akil, but I'm still leaning towards Zaid or Djet, even if they don't sound like snake names.. at least they aren't average people names (I really don't like when people name their pets common human names like Jack or Lucy etc.)