Well, I guess I was right. I hadn't expected it this soon, but I've collided with my break down. I suppose it feels better now, and I guess a bit of a relief has been given to me. Not that it was ever a real burden, just a worry.. now confirmed.. and now my eyes are puffy, my nose sniffly, my entire face just a little bit itchy. ~sigh~ first time in a while too. I feel bad in a way. I mean hell, I didn't even cry at my grandma's funeral, I actually never really did cry about it. Kind of silly how this would spark it, and sure it wasn't a full blown weep, nose trumpeting, people next door listening in and wondering what could have caused it, but it happened none the less.
It's scary how fast it happened, and it's frighteningly ironic that I was talking about just how unexpected this can be earlier today. I don't even know what to do.. and.. well.. ~sigh~ this sucks.. the worst is this feeling of complete failure, this solid weight telling me "why did you have to let it happen??" Why did I have to let it happen? Admittedly I did what I could, but it still wasn't enough. I don't like this, not at all..
I guess it is what it is though, and I've just got to accept it. I don't want to, but I must, and I will, and I have. I'm so sorry little one. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my promise. I'm sorry I had to let it happen again. I'd like to promise that it won't happen next time, but perhaps I should just promise that there won't even be a next time. perhaps.. this hurts..
Please forgive me...
R.I.P. Zaid
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Zaid wouldn't have done any better without your help. don't blame yourself. I'm so sorry that he is gone though. Maybe this cry was just what you needed.
ReplyDeleteAw Chance! I wish I was there so that I could give you a hug. And I think you did your best, which is really all you can expect from yourself.
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