Crashed

Well, I guess I was right. I hadn't expected it this soon, but I've collided with my break down. I suppose it feels better now, and I guess a bit of a relief has been given to me. Not that it was ever a real burden, just a worry.. now confirmed.. and now my eyes are puffy, my nose sniffly, my entire face just a little bit itchy. ~sigh~ first time in a while too. I feel bad in a way. I mean hell, I didn't even cry at my grandma's funeral, I actually never really did cry about it. Kind of silly how this would spark it, and sure it wasn't a full blown weep, nose trumpeting, people next door listening in and wondering what could have caused it, but it happened none the less.

It's scary how fast it happened, and it's frighteningly ironic that I was talking about just how unexpected this can be earlier today. I don't even know what to do.. and.. well.. ~sigh~ this sucks.. the worst is this feeling of complete failure, this solid weight telling me "why did you have to let it happen??" Why did I have to let it happen? Admittedly I did what I could, but it still wasn't enough. I don't like this, not at all..

I guess it is what it is though, and I've just got to accept it. I don't want to, but I must, and I will, and I have. I'm so sorry little one. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my promise. I'm sorry I had to let it happen again. I'd like to promise that it won't happen next time, but perhaps I should just promise that there won't even be a next time. perhaps.. this hurts..

Please forgive me...

R.I.P. Zaid

Insomnia? What's that? Lawl

So it's about half way through week four of classes, can't complain on that front. Classes are easy so far, and not that trying, if perhaps occaisonally a bit boring. The apartment is a grand old time. My own room, air conditioning at my will (with only minimal resistance from the other 3), and no real restraints on anything at all. Computer/TV/Music/Sleep as I want it as long as it doesn't interfere with classes. It's really nice.
Down fall.. the walk. It's a good 15-20 minute walk to and from my closest class. It doesn't help that I live at the top of a hill and that campus is also on a rise meaning that (no matter which direction I'm heading) I get to walk downhill for 5 or so minutes and spend the rest of the time drudging up hill. It's not a terrible thing though, it's good for me and I can always take the 5 minute bus ride instead if I feel like leaving a bit earlier to catch it..

There is a problem though.. I just feel sooo tired lately.. and kind of stressed.. but I can't identify any real stressor, not really anyways.

Classes aren't hard or stressful, not in the least. I wake up, get there, stay attentive and learn, or fall asleep and could care less. At the apartment I'm also just fine. I get to relax and do what I need to when i need to, but there's no pressure anywhere for anything.

Sure Zaid is slowly getting sicker and it's costing me more money/effort to try and get him better, but it hasn't really.. well I guess I just don't feel like it's really caused me any real stress.. just a little worry. I'm starting to feel better about it now, he's on a new anti-biotic which has a higher success rate against the bacteria the vet found in him. However, the downside is that I get to administer it orally, which is easier on both me and him, but has a lower success rate.. I just want a healthy pet who doesn't threaten to get worse and die..

I also just felt like I was disconnected with everything today.. it's strange..

I dunno, I feel like I'm just slowly sliding toward something, maybe it's a melt-down or something, I dunno.. i just don't know why..